When I was home last things did not go as planned, and alot happened in my life at once. I had an opportunity that I simply passed over because of haste, and a longing to get away from home...again.
I think a lot of this comes from my view of God. I often don't picture Him as God so much but as a boss. The guy who tells me what to do, and when to do it. And like usual I am horrible at following directions, so I go my own route... then later discover that it was totally opposite of what was originally planned. The only difference with Him is, I dont get fired after the 3rd mess up.
I don't know why, but I... I don't know whats going on to be blunt. I don't know what I am to do with my life, I have so many interests and they all collide and create quite the mess. I love youth, but I love music, but I love physical labor... but I HATE mornings. So in those few things you could see how the mess happens.
But in general, I am having a hard time finding a place that feels like home. I always look back at High school, and wonder why I was so content then... was it cause I had no option, and so that time was just the best? Because even at MWSB the whole first semester and at the end, all I wanted was to get out, and do whatever.
Has God called me to be a sojourner? I don't know... I don't know if I am cut out for that kind of thing, and if so what would I do with my time, and where would I go? Not that that has been a huge issue up to this point but... Is there even the slightest plan?
I am not the most organized guy, but I do like order, and to know what is happening and when... so I do enjoy some sort of control. But the last... 7 months of my life have been complete chaos and no order, and absolute insanity. I honestly dont know what effect I have had anywhere I have been, because I have not been there long enough to know. Whether it was finances or or just not allowing God to get me through the rough stuff. I have either left or copped out of multiple things. I hate the feeling I have in my gut... the feeling of failure and flat out disbelief in God. The fact that God has given me opportunities everywhere I have gone, and not allowing them to blossom. I have done it time and again.
I feel the definition of insanity comes into play here... "Doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results."
I have moved over and over expecting different results each time. When in honesty, is moving from one group of sinful people, to another group of sinful people... gunna change much? Probably not.
The Bible talks about being content in all circumstances, and to rejoice in trials... I have done neither...
Instead I have tucked in my tail, and run the other way. I can blame it on the fact I am a people pleaser, or that I hate confrontation... all of which are true. But none of which are an excuse for my actions.
As for what I am up to now... During this time home for Christmas I will be examining what I am doing, and why very hard. Actually taking the time to pray over what to do.
As for what I am doing... I don't know. I couldn't tell you. Even tonight at church a person asked me what I was up to... all I could say was living life... Because I chose to come home, I have no job, and an apartment I cant pay for... So... my rash decisions have caught up with me, and others pay the price...
I want to be what God made me to be... this video explains it:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AhfUzodLRvk
Prayer would be great as I try and mend all that I have broken....
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